What is being me

I sat with my grandparents this past weekend, a moment of potential lingering in the air, looked at their faces, and acknowledged that this was an opportunity for my taking. Don't be shy, don't be lazy, don't dwell. Sit here with them and tell them about your life. They are asking you, and they aren't distracted. You're the only person within their ear shot. Lottie, if you lose this moment you will regret. And you don't believe in the pillars of regret.

what is being me

I told them about my job. I told my grandpa twice. He has trouble remembering. I'd tell him his name a 100 times if he needed to hear it. And I'd do anything to save him from being embarrassed about it.

I didn't want to tell them about my life because its anything I've made sense of, or even intentionally chosen. I knew talking to them would help take care of that. I wanted to tell them about myself because I knew it'd be important. And I knew it'd be necessary.

As I assess myself in a daily rigor, I'm aiming for confidence. And I'm trying really hard to weed out hesitance. These are important people to me and they finally asked, "hey, how is your life going? how are you enjoying the new job?" They finally asked. You deserve to be asked and furthermore, you must remind yourself, you deserve the moment of telling them. I told them. I was aware of others hearing me tell them confidently, and I didn't stop. I am afraid of being heard. Who DOES that? Who IS that way? WHY would anyone be that way? 

I lightly tread across what is a real world. It seems as though, in working through who I was as a younger person (still young, I know), I chased safety from being disliked so much that I've certainly gone too far. As I look down the road to real goals I have, real desires I feel, real purposes I may actually fill, I must act without (my typical) thought(s). Don't hide from others knowing your success, do not cower when something good has happened to you or for you, do not LIE about your intentions, such that you might not catch the eye of a competing stranger. Humility is everything. But pursuit of approval, favor with others, and dodging jealousy--wearing the mask of "humility," isn't. One might argue it's self-seeking, which ultimately one may find, lies directly in the way of the journey to humility. 

Speak loud enough for everyone to hear. Be transparent: with successes and future goals. Do chase humility. But above all, be honest. 

This isn't about being liked. It's about being able to be. And by the way, those who be are liked.